As I break.

It’s too late.

I know the signs and it’s too late now. My throat is tight. It has that pained and full feeling, like when you are about to cry, but there are no tears coming. I can’t control my breathing. InOut, InOut, InOut. My hands are fluttering and waving like a conductor that is lost and can’t find her song.

I don’t have words. I need to calm myself. I need to tell myself that it is ok. But I don’t have words. They won’t come. My sentences won’t complete, not with my tongue or mind. I, I, I… I can’t get past I. I can’t think. My brain is going with my breathing. With my hands. It’s stuck in my throat choking me as I lose a little more and more of myself.

I have to stop. I have to stop now. I don’t have time for this. I have children. I have things to do. I am supposed to be leaving. I do not have time fall into this. Why can I not control this? I need to control this.

 

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